I have been wanting to write my thoughts on this topic for some time now... it was just never really appropriate for me to be thinking about "other men" when I was still technically married. Now that I've got the BIG D ball rolling, I think it's acceptable for me to be keeping my eyes open with what God might bring my way.
First of all, I should caveat this entry with the fact that I believe God is fully capable and desires good things for my life. That being said, I don't know why the prospect of being single forever still scares me, but it does. If God wants me to get re-married, He'll bring the right one into my life at the right time. I do not need to worry that every single last one of the good Christian men I've ever known in my life are all married. That doesn't matter. God could still bring someone into my life somehow if it's His will. I just need to trust His provision. So why am I still concerned?
Maybe because the statistics aren't looking too much in my favor... and yes, God can work miracles, but He doesn't mess with free will. The man who was supposed to be my "soul mate" turned his back on God and abandoned me. He was abusive, deceptive, unfaithful, and a terrible provider. God could have turned my husband's life around, but He doesn't work like that. I waited for two years for my husband to come around but at this point, my biological clock is ticking and my cold and empty bed cries out for some warmth while my husband is still doing drugs, still has no plan or desire to find a job, and is still and living in an old rank trailer on his grandpa's farm. I don't think it's wrong to "fold" and be dealt a new hand.
Let's discuss the "meat market." Nevermind that I've never actually met a good Christian man between the ages of 25-34 who isn't already married... according to some surveys I've looked into, they are definitely out there, I just don't know where. One report puts the number of "marriageable men" (that is, never having married, no children yet, & has gainful employment) at 152 marriageable men for every 100 marriageable women source). According to this study, there are more than enough good men to go around. But the study doesn't measure faith as a factor. If you go to any church, I guarentee you that most of the pews have butts in them that belong to single women. At my church, the majority of the people who attend are single women. There aren't any single men at all... and even a couple married women members attend without their husbands. A recent study put the number at 25% of married women who attend church without their husbands in tow (source). This same source claims that a typical congregation in the U.S. is 61% female and only 39% male. The participants in activities during the middle of the week are attended by an overwhelming 70-80% of females. I have some friends in their early 40s who finally found each other and tied the knot this past October. I have an uncle who tied the knot recently in his 40s as well... and he had to find my aunt online... and she lived in another state. Why is it taking this long for people to find their "helper suitable?"
These days it’s hard to find a man who puts Jesus first. Why!? Where have all the good men gone? What is the reason for men’s spiritual lethargy? Is there anything we can do about it?
In 2014, I befriended a man who was 180 degrees away from what my husband was. It was refreshing to be treated like a queen instead of pond scum. I enjoyed being around this individual and thought maybe someday in the future we could be more than friends. Unfortunately, the more I got to know him, the more I realized he was only Christian in title and wasn't really interested in spiritual growth. He made no attempt to talk to his boss about getting Sundays off so he could worship with me at church. He was in the middle of reading the Bible faithfully when I first met him but then he got stuck in Leviticus and Numbers a couple months later and gave up out of sheer boredom. He's a loner. He rarely likes to get out and do fun things. His idea of "fun" is sleeping in. When asked if he had a vision for his future, he said he didn't really know. "Okay then," I said. "Well, if money were no object, then what would you like to do RIGHT NOW?" He paused for a moment. "Money really is no object actually. I have two months of expenses paid off in advance and over $4,000 in my checking account. If I wanted to take a month off a work and hang out in the Bahamas I could. But if I could do anything right now? Sleep." When asked who he would like to marry, he answered, "As long as she loves me, it doesn't matter if she's not a Christian." That's what REALLY opened my eyes to the man he truly was. Plus he doesn't like to discuss his feelings with me. He has no problem telling me he had a horrible day or that he is in a bad mood but he doesn't want to share why. He is silent on his deepest needs. How can I know how to ease his burden? How can I have greater intimacy with him if he doesn't even talk about what's bothering him? I give up. I guess I just need someone who's more intentional. Someone who has dreams for the future other than waking up, going to work, and coming home. Someone who wants to enjoy life with me. There are so many things I love about this man.... he's competent and independent i.e. he's not one of those clingy guys who needs a woman to validate him or take care of him. He's a provider at his core. Whenever I needed something, I didn't even have to ask, he's just happy to help me out. He's punctual and even comes early on the rare occasions we set appointments and go out together.
If I keep doing what I'm doing (waiting for a guy to come along) I have a feeling I'm going to experience a lot of the same thing... waiting for a guy to come along. Where is one supposed to meet godly men? Well, I could have met a godly man at a Christian University. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt literally. I wasn't there to find a man and now I regret that I didn't meet more guys there and stay in touch. I'm sure SOME of them are still single but not a single one on my facebook friend list is. I could always switch churches and hope that I'll find someone at another church... but I REALLY love my church and when you find a good church, you don't leave.
This is really frustrating. Can I get an amen? I know I'm not alone here.
Not a big fan of Mark Driscoll, but this is his take on why churches are seriously lacking strong, courageous, passionate, dependable men.
Interview with Mark Driscoll — Segment 1 from David Murrow on Vimeo.